Lovesick on a Sunny Afternoon

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 05:58:22 GMT

I've always had an awful habit of following my heart into complete irrationality.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:04:13 GMT

You know it's going to be along day when you wake up with the same (agonizing) headache from the night before.

If I had a job, I would have insurance and would be able to get my sinuses operated on so a) I wouldn't get these headaches and b) I could breathe.

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 00:31:31 GMT

Twice today, guys standing in front of me in the elevator stood aside to let me exit first.

What is with all this gentlemanly behavior?

No one in their right mind wakes up at 5am on a Sunday

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 21:12:27 GMT

I know, because I do. And up until about 10 o'clock not too many people are moving around in the world.

I can't wait for summer, when the only reason I'll be waking up so early is to watch the sun rise or embark on an adventure.

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 03:48:04 GMT

Although I'm pretty sure no one even reads this anymore, or cares, I've realized that I've only posted once about my life in Chicago. I have been here for nearly two years, and as far as any written recollection goes, I've got nada. So for my own future interest, here's a little about what's happened in my life since January two years ago.

I moved to Chicago. I lived in a dorm in the heart of the most touristy downtown section of the city and I loved it. Going from Waverly to the big city, this was exactly the type of atmosphere I needed to get me out of my small-town slump. School wasn't even school anymore. I felt / feel no connection to Loyola, but it doesn't really bother me. Muhlenberg has always been where I went to school. Loyola is just something I'm going through to graduate.

I spent that summer in PA working at the Waffle House, which I have to admit wasn't all that bad. I worked all night and spent my days enjoying summer (not in the city). In September, I got an apartment in Lincoln Park. It was fun while it lasted, despite the countless problems with the apartment itself, the landlord, and the roommate issue that forced me to move out in February. I'm back downtown now, living here for I don't know how long. My living situation is more uncertain now then it was then and I'm trying to tolerate it until I figure out what I'm doing with my life. That's about all there is to say about that.

I work at a tea shop. I love it, but I need a real job. Graduating and moving on to 'real life' freaks me out. I can't even think about it. Right now I need to focus on getting another internship, otherwise I can't graduate in the spring.

If I could redo the past two years, I'd definitely do them differently. I haven't paid enough attention to myself - something I thought I learned to do a long time ago, but once again I've proved that all to often I let my emotions get the better of me.

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I don't feel the connections to people here like the people at home. After two years, I still don't feel it.

I'm pretty certain I'm moving after I graduate. Maybe to North Carolina, or recently I've been thinking of going back home for a while. I don't know where, but I need a change. I think I wrote when I first got here that I felt I couldn't stay in any one place for too long. If I felt that way then, imagine how I feel now. I love it here, but the one thing that was keeping me here is gone now and I'm losing my desire to stay.

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 11:16:19 GMT

This is the first time I've ever actually considered moving back home, and I think that I'm finally at a point in my life where I could do it without feeling trapped.

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 05:32:20 GMT

I'm in Chicago now. I like it, for the most part. I'm much happier than I was at Muhlenberg, but I miss home sometimes. I love the atmosphere here. I love being at the center of everything and being to step outside at any time and have the streets filled with people. I like the sounds of sirens and the streetlights that shine in the window at night. I didn't miss home until I went back and realized that I miss having the freedom to be able to get in a car and drive around. I miss the openness and the feeling that I can go out at any time of night and be completely safe. I miss having people around who I can call up anytime and am absolutely, completely comfortable with - even though I like the people here.

I'm back and forth about what I want to do and where I want to be. I think I just can't stay in any one place for a prolonged period of time so going home was a nice break. I felt like it was a vacation. I got the rush I used to get when we'd go on vacation and for that one week we were in some foreign place with amazing people and everything was awesome. It's strange to feel that way when I go home, where I used to be so restless. I'm getting an apartment next year (hopefully) which I'm pretty excited for. I can't wait to move out and get a real job and be settled into a life that I'm going to actually stick with. At the same time I can't wait to go home and work, which I'm happier with than I ever thought I would be and I don't really want to let to let go of that carefree summer life.

I'm happy lately. I'm more confident in myself and my relationships than I've ever been. I'm not scared of losing people or being alone and even though I've said it in the past, I'm sure now that I can make myself happy without relying on other people. And I know that there are people that will always be around, and I'm happy for that. I like the people here, but I have yet to find anyone who I'm as comfortable with as I am when I'm home.

Ah. I'm happy.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 08:16:52 GMT

I can't sleep at night. I hate being alone. I hate being awake in a house where everyone else has gone to bed hours ago. The only time I can sleep comfortably is during the day, and this lack of sleep doesn't help when I have to work days now. I miss school, I miss having people around, I miss constant noise and light when I'm trying to sleep. I enjoy time to myself, but I've been incredibly alone lately. I can't wait to go to Chicago, where at least I'll have the city.

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 19:02:50 GMT

I've been going through a lot lately, and it's definitely beginning to take its toll. I'm weak, I'm sick, I'm an emotional wreck and I'm in the process of losing every little bit of motivation I have to do anything. Little things have been making me worry, I have a serious lack of good relationships in my life and I'm scared that in the process of going crazy I'm ruining the ones I care about most. What I need to do, for once in my life, is what will make me happy. I've always just waited things out, promising myself that they will get better in time. This time, I'm making the change that is going to make things better now, and I think that's exactly what I need. So, I'm giving myself two months to get out of this funk. By then I'm going to be in a completely new place, and I'm going to be happy.

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 01:20:27 GMT

I'm scared.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 12:07:40 GMT

I have been very happy lately, which is a good thing, or at least I don't see why it wouldn't be.

For the Fourth of July I went to Chicago. It was real good and we watched fireworks, and some from the beach which was extra special.

In a few weeks we're going to Florida. Rick was supposed to come, but he's going on tour with a band. So he can't come, which is dumb, in the sense that I really want him to be there. But he'll have lots of fun so I guess it's not so bad. And I get to see Chrissy and maybe Ryan which almost makes everything all better.

I work 3rd shift. I like it. To be honest, I don't think I'd change it if I could. I sleep through the mornings which is fine because I don't like them anyway.

I'm excited to go back to school in some ways. Others I'm confused about what I'm going to do. I need to figure things out. I need to get my life in order. I've had a huge desire for order lately, in every aspect of life. And what scares me is I'm too lazy to make it work.

I'm sad that certain relationships are dying. I've called, I've texted, I've myspaced. If you aren't going to make any effort to see me, or talk to me, or stay in touch at all when we live two minutes apart, I'm not going to waste my time.

Sat, 13 May 2006 05:06:33 GMT

Okay, so here goes the obligatory end of the year post. And, keeping in line with everything else, I’m going to make this as vague yet strikingly obvious, as possible. If you know me well enough, you’ll know exactly what and who I’m talking about. If you don’t get it, then you’re not meant to.

The year started off kind of slow, but filled with lots of unnecessary drama that I’m glad is over. I feel like things started to pick up when a certain someone came to visit. That definitely changed things. And from there everything flew by.

I grew close to a lot of people too fast, which probably wasn’t the best idea but I don’t think it turned out too badly. I know there are people (yes, plural) that I’ve hurt or let down, and I wish there was some way for me to make that better but I can’t. I can’t return feelings that I don’t have in me. And I’m sorry if that makes it my fault, but I guess I’ll have to live with that.

I liked the feeling of first semester, when everyone was new.

There’s maybe one person who knows the extent of what happened over Christmas break which almost makes it seem less real. I think I like it that way.

I bounced back and forth a lot with my feelings and in the end I found someone who I was able to care for in a way I thought I’d lost. But right now I’m completely in the dark about what’s happening there, and it’s not the best feeling in the world.

I’m scared to be home because things aren’t the way they used to be here. Which isn’t necessarily bad, and probably healthier for me, but it scares me.

I want Bethlehem.

Tue, 02 May 2006 05:40:14 GMT

I’m fed up with people and situations & I’m about ready to go home.

I have a hard time believing that anyone cares as much as I do on most occasions.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 03:23:26 GMT

I have trouble finding my emotions anymore. Sometimes I try to make myself get upset over something I know I should be upset about, but it just doesn’t work. I want to cry so bad, but the really sad part is I can’t.

From Dear John - Tony Hoagland

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 04:10:59 GMT

I don't know what he does for sex or money,
but it's taken me a decade to recognize that I love John,

-not for his cuteness (he is)
or for his endearing manner of being always on the brink
of falling apart,
but precisely because he doesn't ever threaten to love me back.

On someone like that you can lavish your affection
in perfect safety-
that's nothing to be proud of, I suppose-
and yet, obscurely, I am.

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 03:57:07 GMT

I’m a firm believer in the notion that when we die we are reborn into a new life and that all the important people we’ve known in the past show up again in our new lives. I can’t fathom the idea of spending eternity in some place, heavenly or not. I never want to not live.

I’ve had this great sense of well-being lately. It’s like this confidence that everything will be fine. It’s doing wonders for my emotional stability.

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 09:20:07 GMT

Dah dah dahh. Lovely insomniatic nights. I'm super tired but I never sleep anymore. As soon as I get in bed I wake up. I don't want to deal with school at all. I wish it was summer. But last summer, because at least I knew what I was doing then. Except that I didn't. And there's still so much that I'm not sure of. So much that I don't know if I said, or did, or what exactly happened. I hated summer. I hated it but I loved it at the same time. And most times in my past I would never want to go back to, simply to avoid things that would happen in the future. But if I could go back in time a year, knowing what I know now, I think I'd be a lot better off. But then again if certain things didn't happen I wouldn't be where I am right now. I'm on a couch right now. Because I can't sleep. And I'm annoying when I can't sleep.

List of things I need to do:

-Be less crazy.
-Sleep more (so as to be less chronically tired and therefore less crazy)
-Do school work
-Do school work well so I don't lose my scholarship
-Learn to think beyond tomorrow
-Learn to care about where my life is going
-Be less annoying to people when they are trying to sleep
-Explore more (ie outside, in those mountains)
-Say more of what I mean when I think it
-Say less of what I say without thinking
-Go to sleep earlier and don't write anymore when overly tired
-Do write more when I'm this tired

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 20:23:27 GMT

I realize that some of my behavior recently may be considered bitchy, but I feel like some people are just being selfish. I really feel as though I’ve been betrayed by someone I thought I could trust. I can’t really see how certain actions could be justified, but maybe that’s just me. If you really want the attention so badly, keep it up, but you’re not gonna get it from me.

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 19:01:50 GMT

You can all analyze me as much as you'd like. Let's hear you preach some more about how I'm this and that, because obviously you know me better than I know myself. Stop fucking telling me who I am. Or what I want. I know who I am. I know what I want. It's become quite clear to me that the people I thought may have known me best have no fucking clue. Experience half the shit I've been through, and then we'll talk. Until then, shut the fuck up.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 07:54:31 GMT

This year is going to be immensely better than the last one.

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 19:37:10 GMT

We can’t heal until we hit rock bottom.

For a long time I considered January 31st of 2004 to be when I hit rock bottom. I realize now, a year later, that I was nowhere close. Looking back, that was only the turning point. That’s what set everything off.

I still consider it to be one of the worst nights of my life. And there’s only one person who I think could really understand what I went through that night, and I don’t know if she even realizes what an impact she had on me. I don’t think she knows that she is the only thing that kept me sane.

So much has happened since then. So much that I never wanted to go through, but in a way I’m glad I did. I feel like I’ve learned something from all of this, if it’s only that I’m stronger than I thought. I’ve learned a lot about the role other people play in my life. And how I let them influence the way I feel.

I’d like to say that this year has to be better than last, because I can’t go through everything again. But the truth is I could. I think I'm much stronger now.

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 06:30:43 GMT

“And then I wondered if as soon as he came to like me he would sink into ordinariness, and if as soon as he came to love me I would find fault after fault…”

There’s something alluring about the unattainable. Something intriguing about that which we don’t know. Doesn’t it happen often enough that immediately upon discovering something (or someone) we find it fantastic, but the more we learn about it the less appealing it becomes. Wouldn’t you think it would be the opposite? That if something was really so spectacular, it could only become better the closer you got to it.

I’ve found it to be the complete opposite, really. Things are always more exciting when you don’t know everything about them. Very few people appeal more to me once I get to know them then they did when I first met them.

“The same thing happened over and over:
I would catch sight of some flawless man off in the distance, but as soon as he moved closer I immediately saw he wouldn’t do at all.”

Maybe it’s because I have this preconceived notion of what the ideal person would be like, and it’s easy for someone to fall into the “perfect” category when you barely know them. The better you know someone, the more human they become. Their flaws become evident, and everything you once admired becomes just another quality to find fault in.

I think the element of surprise, of the unknown, plays a great part in any relationship. Why would you want to spend all of your time with someone whose every move you could predict? It would be like going through the same routine over and over again each day, without ever doing anything new.

“That’s one of the reasons I never wanted to get married. The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots off from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.”

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:54:31 GMT

Okay, so here's something I've realized since I've been home. Relationships are silly, unless you're mature enough to be in one; which none of us are.

It seems like everyone's so caught up in what they want and their own feelings that they're not realizing what they're doing to the people they're with. If you're so sure that the person you're with is going to cheat on you, do you really want to be with them anyway?

At some point in your lives, you're going to have to choose between the person you love, and your friends. and if you're smart you'll choose your friends, and if the person you're with is smart, they won't care.

It's not my place to say anything to any of you, but since most of you seem to be suffering from this, I'm just stating my mind openly. I don't want any of you to ruin what could be the greatest time of your life, like I did. Stop worrying about stuff that's not gonna happen and enjoy what you have. You have to trust the people you're with, and if you can't do that, then what's the point?

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 09:07:38 GMT

New years is not something I'm looking forward to.

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 00:35:50 GMT

Brief recap of the past two months:

+ Had an amazing birthday party due to some thoroughly enjoyable people.
+ Halloween was pretty good too.
- Lots of bullshit and drama.
+ Molly came to visit a few times.
+ Got to see some people I haven't seen in a while.
+ Quality time at home in my room.
+ Went to New York.
+ Late night walks & bike rides.
- School work is insane.
+ The semester is almost over.
+ Christmas is going to be amazing.
+ Ellen in one month minus three days.

PS. If I see you, I will not hesitate to make your life a living hell. So stay the fuck away and watch whose minds you mess with.